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Human Attacks Simon the Squid

(the newspaper for beaked Humboldt squid everywhere)

Reports are coming in that the size of American humans is increasing and Squid on holiday in the San Diego area are asked to stay alert from some of the more aggressive of the species that are known to camouflage themselves as seals, hiding in the seaweed.

The camouflaged humans which grow up to 7ft (2 metres) long, arrived off the seashores last week.

Happy squid have reported unnerving encounters with the creatures, which are carnivorous and can be aggressive.

One squid, Shanda Magill, described how one of the pink-coloured creatures ripped the water from her lungs, and grabbed her by the tentacles.

“I just kicked like crazy,” squid Shanda Magill told the Associated Cephalpod news agency.

“The first thing you think of is: ‘Oh my gosh, I don’t know if I’m going to survive this.’ If that human wanted to hurt me, it would have.”

Pacific Coast

The creatures – also known as big fat Americans – do not affect squid normally because they remain swimming at the surface.

But dozens have been floating down through the ocean.

“The ones that we are getting right now have a big suitcases with them, like a box fish,” San Diego’s Union-Tribune quoted John Hyde of the National Marine Fisheries Service as saying earlier in the week.

“They could have somebody’s eye out.”

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