Tag Archive: bum

Boundless Hypocrisy Over Kate’s Tits

Public Breast-beating Over Middleton Paparazzi Photos

You must understand that there is no news today.
Everything is celebrity, sport and royal in the UK.
Everyone has a media correspondent, a sports correspondent and a royal correspondent.
Reporters just report on the latest twitter feed.  No-one searches.

There are several aspects to this boob photos media blizzard.

  • There’s the mass media  almost to a man, fawning and groping at half truths.
  • There are many ordinary people wondering what’s going on.

So I’ll explain.                                  (As I see it, natch)

If you want the tit and bum shots, check at the end.  If you can’t wait, click here for the latest information on modified sweat glands.


Private Pictures, Public Place?

We now have several (mainly establishment types) people making exaggerated claims about the camera location.  Well, I’ve checked.

The photos were NOT taken “over a mile and a half away”, nor “well over a mile” away, nor “about a mile away”, nor “from a long way off, in private woods”, but about half a mile away.  The house is clearly visible, along with the windows, railings and garden stuff that appear in the photos on Google Maps Streetview.

I’ve chosen a point ~ 900m from the building as one of many good vantage points.  Go down now to see it.

If I used my hand-held camera taking a shot, I could see the whites of the eyes….  Yes really!  To demonstrate — here are two pictures that show the capability of my hand-held Panasonic Lumix, DMC-TZ30. 

Be careful when clicking as I’ve uploaded the shots at full resolution.  Once loaded, click the little green arrow to see the pictures in all their full-size glory – you will need to scroll both vertically and horizontally to find the yacht when on full-size.

They are hand-held, on a normal day, just like many of my recent shots from my recent French vacation.  I have many high-res scenic shots – I’ll have to check them through – who knows what I’ll find LOL.

No Zoom of Yacht - Can you see it?

No Zoom:  There’s a Yacht here – Can you see it?
Click to see just how really small it is.

20x Optical Zoom of Yacht

20x Optical Zoom of Yacht – Now can you see it?
Click and you’ll see a tanker in the background which I couldn’t see at all with the naked eye.
These two shots and more are visible at lower resolution here on Christine’s Beach Hut.

If someone was on the yacht, I could see them.  The boat is several miles offshore – nearly on the horizon actually!   So don’t let the Streetview shot below fool you – the house is a lot closer than it looks, even from the position I’ve chosen here.  It is only 900 metres away!

The house is dead centre in this link.   So it is a private house visible in public, much like me in my bedroom at night with the curtains open, okay?  My camera could have easily shown them doing anything. Easily.  Yet if I can be easily seen in my bedroom at night (i.e. clearly a private place as they keep repeating) I can get done for indecent exposure?  Right?

Hopefully, by seeing the capability of my own camera in conjunction with a normal Streetview of the area, you can now see how incongruous the claims that this is a private place actually are?

(p.s. pan left – it’s a lovely view!)

View Larger Map


But surely, 900m is a Long Way, isn’t it?

The firstworldwar.com website shows the standard issue British rifle  in WW1 as having guaranteed accuracy up to 600m.  This had no optical scope, just sights to be used by a normal man.  This means a kill shot at 600m, not just wounding, which shows the hand/eye/gun precision easily possible from anyone.  900 metres doesn’t look so far now, eh?
I also remember reading in “With a Machine Gun to Cambrai”, the author George Coppard saying that he picked off men at a similar range with just one or two rounds from his heavy machine gun.  This is despite the juddery nature of a heavy machine gun.

Again, 900 metres doesn’t look so far now, eh?


A Right to Privacy?

Well almost.

The royals have done very well over the last few years with Elizabeth II’s annus horribalis being mostly forgotten.  But let’s cast our minds back, shall we?

At that time, Diana and Fergie had caused much embarrassment with their girlie antics.  Charlie’s behaviour outside the public face of marital fidelity was well known and became ever-more detailed as time passed.  Phil the Greek was his usual self and scandal after scandal built up until the Castle burnt down.  So that was that – then.

Now we have Harry getting his kit off to the amusement of the world (in a €6000 a night hotel suite on a serviceman’s salary, note),  but being dismissed as “just letting off steam but must be more careful in future”.  And almost synchronously in time with Harry, it now appears, Kate & Wills feel so assured in their new-found popularity that they can do anything.  They certainly have the money for it.

But you know – they can’t.

If they want the esteemed position that they publicly project and behind which the combined forces of a fawning mass media enforce, then they must behave like it.  They cannot behave like normal holidaymakers and not expect a come-back no matter how “ordinary” Kate was supposed to have been.  You can’t be a “highness” and not expect attention?   They cannot say and do anything – for one thing, our constitution forbids it!

For another, the public will hate it and they need the public much more than we need them.

Why don’t they all just go away?  I won’t mind a bit.  Maybe this’ll be a turning point as the penny drops?

Privacy – What Privacy? – added 18/9/2012

The BBC has now leapt onto my referencing Google Streetview as an aid to showing relative privacy.  Of course, the devil-in-the-detail of this is not mentioned as I’ve done above.

BBC Copies Me - Chateau d'Autet

BBC Copies Me – Chateau d’Autet
Click image for BBC webpage

But that’s not my point here, is it?  Neither is my point that criminal proceedings are now starting.   My point is that for all of us….

Our Own Privacy is Zilch.

We are (or will be):

  • Subjected to full intimate  body scans at airports by faceless private “agencies”
  • Have our emails and web activity saved and analysed at leisure by faceless private “agencies”
  • Followed down every street, across every junction, inside every shop by CCTV “security” cameras run by faceless private “agencies”
  • Have our phones tapped by faceless private “agencies”
  • Have our shopping habits monitored by faceless private “businesses”
  • Have our finances, credit cards, driving licences all cross-referenced ad infinitum with our passports, our insurances, our taxes and more – by faceless private “agencies”

…and all of this is done to us while the few that own these “agencies” and “businesses” flaunt their wealth, hide their money, holiday in their tax havens, pay no taxes, are as secret and private as they choose to be, collude to manage information and the law, and then have the audacity to tell us how to behave.  Royalty is just the icing on top of a very rich cake…..

Charles & Camilla recently visited the notable tax haven of Jersey on the of 18th July for a day – it cost us £60,000 which we paid to Jersey!   The current SE Asia visit will cost on a par with the last Canadian tour which cost the Canadians alone nearly $2m in security.

  • Why do we let them get away with it?
  • What use are they?
  • Where is our privacy?
  • Where is our return on investment?  I see none.

Reverting to Type?

I’ve just been to a “do” at the Lily Langtry in Bournemouth.  This is the former house, bought by Edward VII as Prince of Wales for his actress mistress , Lily Langtry, the first face of Pears Soap..

And here’s where more hypocrisy creeps in as those reversions to type are conveniently forgotten.

As we all know, Charles, William’s dad, was knocking off Camilla his mistress both before and during his marriage to Diana, Wills’ mother.  Much like Edward VII & Langtry.  All of the UK knows this.  Now Camilla is supposed to be “accepted”, according to our fawning press.  A few grannies during the jubilee said she looked nice….well that’s it then!

Yet in France, for years the hobbled press kept secret the facts of former President Mitterrand’s mistress and his second family….a bit like secret polygamy, but in a Catholic country….?   Yet millions get their kit off in summer all over France?

Ye-es, as Paxman would say….

The French press hid also the fact that 200 Algerians were slaughtered and chucked in the Seine in 1961 by the police.  Now that’s privacy!   Obviously, this is sarcasm, but the royals are using this weird French cultural mish-mash  and press/law combo for their own advantage……. They think!  They should hope!

Clearly, French privacy is wholly different to the British version.  I can get done for undressing while forgetting to shut the curtains, but in France my privacy to do this is upheld?

Ye-es I hear Paxman saying again.


Media Guff and Fawn

So how can we accept protestations about “rightness” from these people when nothing is said about actions and happenings either then or now which go clearly against their public statements and media view of their lifestyle?

If the next likely Prince of Wales, Wills, turns out like other former Princes of Wales’, do we wash it away but say that sensationalistic reporting of public/private sunbathing “hotties” is wrong?

Because a “hottie” is what Kate is – she’s smart, apparently intelligent, elegant and (most importantly for the press), hot in a swimsuit  – as earlier photos revealed. (Remember the debate in all the papers about who was hotter, Kate or Pippa?  Of course you do, but you’d forgotten, hadn’t you?).

The success of the Daily Mail website hangs on her and other sensationalist voyeuristic shots of hundreds of “hotties” – here’s today’s Kate article; note the HUGE list down the right for articles, near half of which are for scantily clad women.    n.b. Checking the Mail On-line now shows a huge dearth of the usual skin revealing links.

The comments at the bottom, like I said, for the most part, go totally against the fawning theme of the piece.  One repeats the mile and a half lie so that mud has stuck again.

Indeed, for those with long memories, the video at the bottom harps on about Berlesconi’s ownership of the magazines and his publication of Diana’s car photos  “minutes after the accident”.

Now, maybe you remember that  following Diana’s crash, The Daily Mail solemnly pledged never to use paparazzi photos again?

Yet virtually all the links down the right of any Mail page are paparazzi pictures!  They have to be – they’ve sacked nearly everyone and the paper would fold without them.

Porn Baron Protests and Threatens to Close Magazine!

Yes.  It’s true.  Here’s the chronology.

  1. French magazine publishes photos taken during the summer. – 14 Sep – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-19595221
  2. Irish paper does the same on Saturday. – 15 Sep – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-19611407
  3. Italian magazine follows suit. – 17 Sep (today) – http://www.metro.co.uk/news/912183-topless-photos-of-duchess-published-in-italian-magazine-chi

It’s the Irish one that’s interesting!  It’s co-owned by Richard (Dirty) Desmond, who besides running UK TV’s Channel 5 and  publishing the Daily Express and tit paper The Daily Star, also runs porn channels Red Hot TV and Television X.  This growth was part financed by selling off his earlier publishing business which included such salubrious titles as Asian Babes and Readers Wives.  Notably, his celebrity magazines of OK! and New! are full of paparazzi photos…….  like, dah?

Now, to top it all, Desmond has said he wants the Irish paper closed….. – 17 Sep – http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-19621188     He must be after a knighthood or something because his history shows that prurient disapproval is not one of his strong-points.  It’s laughable.

The lady (and Desmond) doth protest too much, methinks. – Hamlet

Mass Media Princely Support, Public Split

Checking the comments following news reporting, I note a two-thirds majority telling Kate to keep her kit on if she doesn’t want to be rumbled.  This is despite the media claiming “over-whelming condemnation” or whatever.

It’s just simply not there.  Most of the public aren’t swallowing it.

Sooner or later there will be a backlash against the Royals if they keep this up.  Let well alone, it’d have blown over, much like Harry’s knob-tastic exposures.  But keeping it going, on and on, using their inherited and publicly provided wealth to pursue legal redress shows them seriously out of touch with the common mood, no matter how much the mass media are beefing them up.

The recent Hilsborough revelations show that media collusion is not a new thing.


Tits and Bums

A lot of people are behaving like bums or making a tit of themselves.

Those in “the establishment” are doing what those in the establishment normally do, which is to fawn and whine, pontificate and lie, all to keep ranks under the firm expectation of a gong at some point.

Then there are the “granny types” who all think she’s lovely and that the queen does a marvellous job.

There’s a few who see it as an attack on women, part of the objectification of women that’s happened for millenia and has now gone past saucy postcards, through Page 3 and porn mags (like Dirty Desmond’s) to full on ubiquitous internet porn and the gyrating phone girls on Freeview.  (All very valid, but not my gist)

Then there’s everyone else!

These are in two camps, I think;

  • those that don’t care either way but think the royals should think themselves lucky to get free holidays and trips and well looked after for the whole of their lives
  • those that just want to see the tits

Well, thanks to Kate & Wills’ explosive reaction, Kate’s bits are everywhere now.

For instance, here’s an enterprising guy (Oliver James) in Bath, UK, who’s got a domain up and running in record time!  See http://www.katemiddletontopless.co.uk/ for all the shots you’ll need.  A WHOIS puts the owner, Bee Digital Media Ltd,  in California.  But a company search places it here in the UK!  (better watch out Oliver…..perhaps….?)

BEE DIGITAL MEDIA LIMITED  (also has website bee-digital.co.uk)

Address removed since it’s been reported as changed, thanks Dan

Kate Middleton Topless Photos – Prince William and Kate Suing Publication

Kate Middleton Topless Photos – Prince William and Kate Suing Publication

Apart from that, there are loads of others.  One that caught my eye was a website called Divided States, a US political site.  They had a web-page here, http://www.dividedstates.com/kate-middleton-topless-photos-prince-william-and-kate-suing-publication/ which they’ve now pulled.  How coy.

Fortunately, the Google Cache shows us this – the full copy of their original posting – click here or the screenshot for the cache. (full image available on request)

  • So am I a tit or a bum?
  • Is Oliver above?
  • Is Berlesconi?  Berlesconi certainly has gripes with the UK following his latin faux-pas with the queen and others….?  Maybe he’s publishing just for revenge?

Conclusion

Wills, with his experience, has behaved like a knob.  He should have known better.  He slipped up, which is a possible explanation for the rapid response unit being thrown into action.  It was notably absent following the Harry incident.

But really, what everyone has totally forgotten, is the old adage:

Don’t throw stones when you live in a greenhouse.

The lady doth protest too much, methinks. – Hamlet


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Dangerous EffectiveCleanse – and Scams Too!

PreScript Advice

If you think you’ve had your bank ‘cleaned out’ by any of a multitude of ‘life cleanse’ or ‘colon cleanse’ type internet scams, there is only one real remedy
Ask for a charge-back against the company through you credit card company. Your reason, when asked, is that the company has either:

  1. Not adhered to their own claimed ‘Terms and Conditions’ or
  2. The company cannot be contacted through their advertised channels

If the company fails on any of these two key points they have no excuse not to refund you. In fact, if they deliberately make contact difficult, it’s criminal.

Introduction

Dangerous Scammer Investigation

danger-sign-crossIt all started with a ping to my website from the Drupal Forums (see http://drupal.org/node/608514).

It turns out that the webmaster was using a piss-poor Californian host called byet.org.  This host detected when an Amazon advert was going through and redirected it to the viper’s den called MyBookFace.net, taking a nice skim on the profits in the process (see my articles on the crippling con website here http://strangelyperfect.tv/5552/mybookface-crap/ and here http://strangelyperfect.tv/5612/mybookface-google-utah-and-nevis-scamboys-united/)

MyBookFace.Net Again

The redirect was still working on the user’s website (devoted to head and neck cancer, http://www.squamoussupport.info/).  The key bit is to click on the head and then the Amazon Store link in the bottom right.  Sure enough (today), you get taken to MyBookFace.net!!!

It’s like the return of a boil on the bum for me. Now, depending on how you access this shit-hole, you’ll see various things.

The first page is sometimes loaded with “White Teeth” ads, from you know who(see here and here for instance), which are accessed via a false newspaper ad containing the key(yukky)word “mom”.  Sometimes it’s Mary Steadman — again!

I’ve had two popups, several hours apart during my checks, that both claimed I was the lucky 1,000,00th visitor to the site and thus deserved a prize!  This popup by-passes the pop-up blocker in IE8.  Give it a go – you too can be the 1,000,000th visitor!!!

If you allow further pop-ups, the fun really starts!

More Fun With MyBookFace.Net Popups!

Danger GeneralDuring one session, using the ‘Private Browsing’ feature in Firefox, I got the Mary Steadman fake newspaper ad again – wahay!.  In this were two adverts; for Acai and Colon Cleansing.

They both originated from the same place and had similar designs.  The Acai one (at acaiberryexclusive.com) I left, because the Colon one has some VERY, VERY DANGEROUS CLAIMS in it.  (The Acai ones were very similar, actually, but I’m trying to keep this post short-ish)

EffectiveCleanse.com

EffectiveCleanse.com loads with the strap line “Life Cleanse”.  It’s contact address is in County Durham in the UK again! (just like all the UTAH scams).  This time the address is:

LB LFP Internet Ltd.,

101 Deneside,

Lanchester,

Co Durham,

DH7 0LZ,

UK

A small hunt for this address produced several companies, all apparently squashed into someone’s living room only a mile or so from the UTAH scammers elsewhere in Co Durham!  There are many unhappy folk about who’ve had dealings with companies at that address.  Similarly for the company name itself...

EffectiveCleanse Claims

Effective Cleanse Antioxidant. Get Your Risk-Free Order Trial Now

Effective Cleanse Antioxidant. Get Your Risk-Free Order Trial Now

Everything is visible on the full-screen dump in the image here by clicking on it.  Their claims would be laughable if they weren’t so dangerous. (In many respects, the claims are very similar to those of Monavie, currently being investigated by Vogel, Cyberxion, Food Tech of California and others on this entertaining post by LazyMan about the scurrilous Monavie here: http://www.lazymanandmoney.com/monavie-scam-was-my-wife-recruited-sell-snake-oil/#comments)

  • Possible the most dangerous claim that this company makes is that it will “Repair Digestive Tract”!!!    This is seriously bad stuff.  There are only two ways to repair your gut and that’s either surgery or a massive dietary change, usually by stopping all alcohol intake, reducing fat consumption etc.  Some of the ingredients can relieve IBS and constipation by their topical application and ingestion from their fungicidal, antiseptic or mucilaginous  properties .  But this is not the same as “repairing the digestive tract” by any judgement.  Indeed some ingredients will make intestinal damage worse!
  • It also claims to break down DEADLY TOXINS!! Again this is a wholly unsubstantiated and untrue claim worthy of a prison sentence.  Let’s consider a few deadly toxins – cyanide & botulism, say.  Do you really think these few internet pills will stop death from cyanide?  Do you think that taking these pills would have saved the Jews in the cyanide gas chambers?  Of course not.  If they’d said “slightly bad toxins” that would have been more accurate.  But deadly?  That’s something else.
  • Helps prevent intestinal pathologies….  WTF! This one is good….  Pathology is the study and diagnosis of disease!  So they are claiming that this product will stop you from studying …er…various intestinal problems?  I repeat – WTF? !!!
  • The word “FLUSH” appears a lot – “flush out excess weight”, ” flush harmful toxins”.  Should it read “make you go to the bog a lot”, because it will.  Some of it’s ingredients also induce abortion and breast milk-flow but no warnings are given about this (shades of Thalidomide here).  Some have been found to cause cancer.  Some either bung you up or give you the trots dependant on the quantity taken!  It’s a bit of a fine balance between flush and bung.  I don’t think I’ll be using my guts as a testing ground!

Perhaps the funniest claim is that it will “Increase Focus and Energy”….   It’s a pity the author didn’t try and focus a bit harder.  Because further down the page is the mind-numbing misspelt paragraph which reads (I kid ye not):

According to National Geographic – “Human waste is a sinisteer(sic) world of monstrous creatures that feed on living flesh- Parasites” (sic) Parasites feed on Humans ams(sic) your body may house more than you know. The US alone contains widespread parasites accross(sic) the nation.

My spell-checker has gone berserk on that.  I can’t believe that National Geographic actually printed that!

And anyway, human waste in a healthy person is certainly not pathogenic.  The bacteria in one’s gut DO NOT “feed on living flesh” as they claim.  They are an essential part of living and without them, we’d all die.  If they mean worms etc, then again, they do not feed on your flesh – they feed on your gut contents!  They live on shit!

Terms Disagree with Claims

Effective Cleanse Antioxidant. Terms & Conditions

Effective Cleanse Antioxidant. Terms & Conditions

Well it had to be somewhere, didn’t it?  Despite all the criminally outrageous claims on their front page, their T&C actually states:

Our Products have not been evaluated by the FDA or EU Health Authorities, and Our Products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

Fortunately, they have a UK contact number of  0044 20305 10825, which makes it a London number.  Why not give them a call and see which bit is correct – does it cure, or doesn’t it?

You’ll also see here, in small print, only once, that you’ll be charged £69 per month for 30 days supply.  Except it’s written thus:  “At the end of your 15 day trial period you will be charged GBP 69.”

Of course, upon reading the consumer complaints listed at the bottom here, you’ll find that many people can’t get through on the phone.  In that case, the information on their FAQ page to the question:

I did not place this order and do not recognize the charge on the credit card statement. I think it is fraud.

…should be taken with a large grain of salt.  The answer they give is that making a false claim of fraud is a criminal offence.  Er..no.  It isn’t.  All you are doing is to resolve a dispute over charges to your credit card that you consider erroneous.  It’s not a criminal offence to dispute the bill!!!! This is what they say to frighten you, and it’s only to frighten you:

We take Credit Card fraud very seriously and considerate it a crime. Our Risk/Fraud Department will verify that the transaction is indeed fraud and was not ordered by you. In such case we kindly ask you to contact us and our Customer Service Team will be happy to assist you. Please prepare the following information before calling or writing to us: name on your credit card, descriptor(s) on the charges, amounts, and date(s) of the charges, your billing and shipping address.

We would like to inform you that making a false claim is a criminal offense and you will be prosecuted if such claim is made. All information that you provide us, along with all related log files and IP addresses will be forwarded to the local police department and district attorney. In addition the governmental cybercrime agency will use this data to investigate and establish the physical location and computer from which the account was created.

If you can’t contact them through the phone, as many have found to their cost, the above information is doubly bogus.

On the other hand, the claims they make for the product on their main landing page, really are criminal.  There is no way in hell that GSK et al would dare say anything like this.

Conclusion

Anyone who has read mine and other’s Google Treasure Chest, Acai, Government Grant and  Teeth-Whitening investigations will suspect that there’s more to this business than County Durham alone.  They hide their domain WHOIS for a start.

Because of their secretive nature, their misleading and dangerous claims which are in plain contradiction of their T&Cs, and the ‘unreliability’ (and that’s being generous) of their customer service as evidenced by the many complaints, this bunch of clowns are much worse than a comedy act.  Scammer or crook?  I couldn’t possibly say, but fetch me a bargepole to poke them away.  Tommy Cooper would say “Scam-Crook; Crook-Scam.  Scam-Crook; Crook-Scam.  Scam-Crook; Crook-Scam.”

I’ll finish now, using words taken directly from their webpage by saying :

The US alone contains widespread parasites accross(sic) the nation.

(Mostly in Utah, from my experience, but not exclusively in the US.)

Extra Links(Just a few of the many complaints about this lot):

Imprint of www.acaiberryexclusive.com
LB Cassiopeia Media Limited LB Cassiopeia Media Limited
118 Fines Park
Annfield Plain
Stanley
Co Durham
DH9 8QZ
Tel: United Kingdom +38 616 004 917
Imprint of www.effectivecleanse.com
LB Eridanus Entertainment Limited
57 Langden Close
Templetown
Consett
Co Durham DH8 7NG
Tel: United Kingdom +39 064 523 0442

Postscript (30/10/2009)

As with the Google Treasure Chest/Money Tree (Kit) bollox, because I’ve posted about the colon parasite scammers, this website is now attracting Google adverts from those very scammers.  I use advertising to help fund the costs, my payments in a round-a-bout way coming from the scammers!  I couldn’t possibly comment any further except  to point you to my privacy policy page.

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Phrase of the Decade

Rocket Mole post on May 27th, 2009
Posted in Buddhism Tags: , , , , , , ,

Enough of your bum faggery you fag-ended Gash Hound!

A Gash Hound

A Gash Hound

This can be used in all sorts of situations e.g

  1. Phoning Granny
  2. Shopping for vegetables
  3. Enticing friends to finish their drinks quickly
  4. Running a charity shop
  5. While waiting for change on the bus
  6. While waiting for directions from the policeman in Trafalgar Square
  7. While waiting for semi-famous Bristol bands to finish their sound-check.

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The Bureau d’Exchange de Maux and Crawling Chaos

A Case of One Man’s Cake is Another Man’s Poison

I first read the short story, “The Bureau d’Exchange de Maux” by Lord Dunsany, in the late seventies in a compilation, probably a Panther Books one.  It’s staggering simplicity is matched by the masterful telling.

Later, in (a sort of) homage, Crawling Chaos used the acronym  B.U.E.M.  as a pseudonym for certain releases –  probably because it sounds like ‘bum’, such was our level of humour at the time …   Bureau Universel d’Exchanges de Maux was written on the sign above the doorway. ( Actually, we pronounced it ‘berm’ which is something totally different.  The biggest berm I know of is the Morrocan Wall which you can see on Google Maps. It’s construction was a unique Arab-Israeli collaboration, bizarrely).

The Curse of the Wise WomanBut I digress.

As well as this tale I can heartily recommend “The King of Elfland’s Daughter”, and my favourite Dunsany story,  the Irish-placed tale, yearning for a simple romantic past of continuity, “The Curse of the Wise Woman”, which warns about treating the Earth right – or else.

The Bureau d’Exchange de Maux:  by Lord Dunsany

I often think of the Bureau d’Exchange de Maux and the wondrously evil old man that sate therein. It stood in a little street that there is in Paris, its doorway made of three brown beams of wood, the top one overlapping the others like the Greek letter pi, all the rest painted green, a house far lower and narrower than its neighbours and infinitely stranger, a thing to take one’s fancy. And over the doorway on the old brown beam in faded yellow letters this legend ran, Bureau Universel d’Exchanges de Maux …..  The story is copyright until 2027.  Buy it if you can find it!!

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What is the Creative Conciousness? Answer – Courage.

Art and creativity come in many forms but since the internet arrived with the huge explosion in community sites and the easy interchange of prior art, maybe the concept of creativity needs re-defining.

Prior art like:

  • a 20 foot oil canvas viewed in a museum
  • a paper book like Harry Potter, read in bed,
  • a film made for viewing on a huge screen in a darkened cinema,
  • a tv episode made to be seen on a standard monitor,
  • a band of musicians playing live in the flesh,
  • a recording of musicians played through a decent system

– all look and sounds different when seen or heard through on a tiny screen or through the tinny speakers of your average PC, laptop or phone.

The relative merits are debatable, of course, considering increased publicity, but the fact is that someone created the original art. Now however, most of the world’s creativity seems to exist solely in the realm of comment and chat using the art as a throwaway metaphore for the “higher purpose” of chattering. :-?

This point was brought home to me by a recent “conversation” on a community media site where the works of Crawling Chaos were dumped and yabbered over. How do I know? Dah! Google and IP logs…

A journo, called Jason Heller, made a piece extolling the remarkable virtues of the first Crawling Chaos vinyl issue and the band’s unquenchable appetite to go against the flow. Quoting liberally from the Crawling Chaos site Jason made some very positive and agreeable comments with a good tenor to the article. Despite a bit of cut & paste, he included a link to his source material – so at least he wasn’t page stealing. He managed to be creative with his prose, and a bit wobbly on influences and truth. Whatever. What he’s doing is nothing special – millions do it, it’s what community sites do! – apart from hoping someone will click on a few ads…

Now, a quick check reveals that the piece and the site are covered in copyright statements for Onion Inc and Omniture. However, not a trace or whisper exists that Crawling Chaos still actually own their music! It seems that people think that art, records and music just appears magically for people’s titillation – a kind of “Creative Commons“. Except it’s not.

Basically, Jason’s “piece” serves as an area where Crawling Chaos became an adjunct to a bout of mutual masturbation and in the centre sits Jason covered in jism and glorifying in the basal annoyances that Crawling Chaos engendered.

This whole community website thing is like this, so nothing new. I let Jason know in my own way with a comment to the post where subsequently, they removed the “reply” link and also my inserted link to our copyright page.

Then the true nature of creativity was revealed. Courage.

Jason pulled his post from his most recent posts list! 8-O

However, the post still exists with the link above and still (as of 31/5/2008), is on the most recent posts for the blog! The links to the copyrighted Crawling Chaos music still exist, boldly, and in the html code. As I stated previously, Onion Inc seems to be claiming ownership of this. I tell you, they’re all a bunch of cunts. Maybe I should page harvest them and suck a bit of advertising off them… :twisted: See how they like it.

Here’s what should’ve happened….

Jason finds a Crawling Chaos record.
"Wow!"  He says.  "This is good!"
Jason checks the web for info on Crawling Chaos.
Jason uses contact form on Crawling Chaos website
Jason asks to use a piece of CC music on a posting of his.
Crawling Chaos say yes, if copyright acknowledgement is made.
Jason does his post in his own creative way.
People keep on wanking etc etc

Everyone is happy, the world keeps turning .

Instead of that, by his subsequent actions Jason is implying denied responsibility for his previous words and actions. Everything has cause and effect. It’s the Buddhist way.

Courage, like freedom, can be a strange thing.

This is the code for Jason’s Post:

– search for <!– start audio player –> and you’ll find the direct links for copyright Crawling Chaos material, hosted on the avclub server.

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			<h2 class="bm"><a href="/content/blog/vinyl_retentive_crawling_chaos">Vinyl Retentive: Crawling Chaos</a></h2>
			<div class="tm mt">posted by: <b><a href="author/jheller">Jason Heller</a></b></div>
			<div class="smalltext">May 20, 2008 - 4:49pm</div><br/>
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					<div class="blog_body article_text">
				<i>In Vinyl Retentive, A.V. Clubbers share what we find while crate-digging in our own houses.</i><p><p><p>
			<p class="two c">
			<img src="http://www.avclub.com/content/files/images/crawling chaos2.jpg" alt="Crawling Chaos vinyl" title="Crawling Chaos vinyl"  width="360" height="270" />
			</p><!--[image:79767]--><p><p><p><b>Crawling Chaos</b><p><p><p><b>”Sex Machine” b/w “Berlin”</b><p><p><p><b>Factory Records, 1980</b><p><p><p><b>Format:</b> 7-inch single<p><p><p><b>File Under:</b> The unsexiest booty jam ever<p><p><p>Seeing as how I covered James Brown in <a href="http://www.avclub.com/content/blog/vinyl_retentive_james_brown">last week’s Vinyl Retentive</a>, it seems perversely fitting to follow it up with Crawling Chaos’ “Sex Machine.” Nope, it’s not a cover of JB’s funk anthem—in fact, if his “Sex Machine” is a stiff dose of aural Viagra, Crawling Chaos’ is the musical equivalent of getting punched in the groin. While being forced to watch barnyard porn. Starring your mom and dad.<p><p><p>
<!-- start audio player -->

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			<h4 class="title">"Sex Machine" by Crawling Chaos</h4>
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<p><p><p>“It was (and still is) an unwritten policy,” it is, well, written on <a href="http://crawlingchaos.co.uk/myths">the band’s website</a>, “for Crawling Chaos and their ilk to annoy as many people as possible.” While it’s not exactly clear who their ilk are, the group’s two core members—Doomage Khult and Strangely Perfect, the latter being maybe my favorite punkonym next to Will Shatter—were spurred to form Crawling Chaos by the British punk explosion of the ’70s. Further inspired by proto-industrial noise terrorists like Cabaret Voltaire and Throbbing Gristle—as well as the macabre prose of H.P. Lovecraft, whose “The Crawling Chaos” might have had some small influence on the band’s name—Khult and Perfect did, as promised, annoy. In fact, the band only barely managed to get signed to the legendary Factory Records; allegedly, the decision was hotly debated by Factory head Tony Wilson and partner Rob Gretton. It didn’t help band-label relations much when Factory wound up having to siphon money from Joy Division profits to press the Crawling Chaos’ debut single, “Sex Machine,” which came in an embossed, expensive-to-produce sleeve.<p><p><p>
			<p class="two c">
			<img src="http://www.avclub.com/content/files/images/crawling chaos.jpg" alt="Crawling Chaos, "Sex Machine" b/w "Berlin"" title="Crawling Chaos, "Sex Machine" b/w "Berlin""  width="360" height="270" />
			</p><!--[image:79757]--><p><p><p>At the time, Factory had just three bands on its roster: The Durutti Column, A Certain Ratio, and the recently beheaded Joy Division (with OMD already having defected to a major label). As relatively eclectic as that bunch was, Crawling Chaos didn’t fit in with any of them. Even the sexiest of the Factory bands, A Certain Ratio, bore the label’s trademark cold, clean lines and antiseptic aura. Crawling Chaos, though, was a fucking wreck. Gangling, ungainly, sloppy, self-sabotaging, murderously humorous, and perhaps mildly insane, the group appropriated the title of one of James Brown’s most archetypal funk tracks and basically took a big dump on it. Clinical detachment was the name of the game when it came to that era’s synthesizer-backed post-punk, but Crawling Chaos was about as robotically aloof as a rusty lawnmower—and “Sex Machine” is a dripping, glorious, psychosexual phantasmagoria worthy of Ballard or Cronenberg (or a precociously perverted 11-year-old). The synths are demented, the singing shrill, the beats nearly brain-dead—but it’s the lyrics alone that are worth a trip to the nut farm:<p><p><p><b>I’ve got a brand new pair of genes<p>I’ve been to the doc, he’s got the means<p>He’s turned me into a sex machine<p>He’s given me a pair of enormous balls<p>That could even fill the Festival Hall<p>With schoolgirls screaming for more and more<p><p><p>I'm going to the doctor’s<p>It’s easy you see<p>No need for operations<p>And you’ll know how it feels<p><p><p>Tomorrow I get my hands done<p>With fifteen fingers and a phallic thumb<p>I’ll rattle the girls till they come and come<p>The stomach lining change has really done the trick<p>It brews alcohol and gives me kicks<p>And makes me have supersonic sicks<p><p><p>I’ve got pricks on my toes and one on my nose<p>And some on my back that nobody knows<p>But the one I got first still grows and grows<p>I’ve got a set of clits hanging in my ear<p>I’ve been to the doc to get a smear<p>He told me I had gonorrhea<p><p><p>A nuclear prick is hidden up my bum<p>I tried it on a lady who likes some fun<p>And she got blown to kingdom come</b><p><p><p>Still, “Sex Machine”—as refreshingly anti-pop and counter-aphrodisiac as it is—sounds like Depeche Mode compared to the single’s B-side, “Berlin.” The name of that city at that time bore connotations of Lou Reed, David Bowie, and the Teutonic lockstep of Krautrock, which were all clear influences on Crawling Chaos. And they all melt into a dissonant mess all over “Berlin,” an aimlessly menacing jam that limps and burps along for seven torturous minutes before succumbing to some kind of sonic gangrene. In other words: It’s fantastic.<p><p><p>
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			<h4 class="title">"Berlin" by Crawling Chaos</h4>
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<p><p><p><b>Current whereabouts:</b> Crawling Chaos’ relationship with Factory went south soon after the release of their debut album, 1982’s equally sick and surreal <i>The Gas Chair</i>. From there the band started releasing records on its own label, Foetus (no relation to Jim Thirlwell’s pioneering industrial project of the same name, although it’s not hard to imagine Thirlwell and Crawling Chaos being mutual admirers). Khult and Perfect gradually drifted away from the group, although they reunited in 2003 for a new full-length titled <i>Homunculus Equinox</i>.<p><p><p>While loved by ’90s indie-pop luminaries <a href="http://www.avclub.com/content/node/77971">Unrest</a>, who covered “Sex Machine” on a Sub Pop single in 1991, Crawling Chaos has sadly been forgotten in favor of their more somber and earnest post-punk contemporaries. When Factory’s resident Joy Division clones, Crispy Ambulance, are more fondly remembered than you are, you know you’ve definitely annoyed all the right people—like, for instance, critic Simon Reynolds, who figured Crawling Chaos didn’t even warrant a mention in his definitive post-punk history, <i>Rip It Up And Start Again</i>. Despite the Factory-mania that followed <i>24 Hour Party People</i>—not to mention the whole post-punk revival of the aughts—Crawling Chaos doesn’t even have its own Wikipedia entry. Apparently undaunted, Khult and Perfect <a href="http://crawlingchaos.co.uk/?p=105"> are still plugging away</a>. <p><p><p><b>Availability:</b> The “Sex Machine”/“Berlin” 45 is currently on sale for between $40 and $70 on the Internet, but both sides showed up as bonus tracks on the recent CD reissue of <i>The Gas Chair</i>.<p>			</div>
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																				<p class="timestamp">May 21, 2008</p>
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