I’ve just being doing a bit of editing on the Crawling Chaos site and have just remembered how badly I actually wanted to forget stuff and get away from that particular life I was leading at that time. I didn’t want to leave the people, just the existence, and I didn’t have the strength to say how or so.
I was so desperate to ditch the baggage afterwards, that I didn’t want any sound or music in the house. No records, cassettes, radio or TV! No car radio. No instruments. Nothing to remind me of those times.
For a time we ran a small transport business and I got given a piano for helping out in such a nice way. I took it, but before I’d even got it home, I’d given it away to Bryce, my friend at the time, and his Jehovah’s Witness wife. It was a good-un as well, an upright and it was in tune. I just could not bear for it to be there, with me! Jillian did her nut mind (oh the children could learn music, we could sell it, you might feel like playing again etc etc etc).
A lady in Sandylands, Wellington gave it to me as her husband had died and she was clearing out. I still have a wardrobe though! It has a section labelled shirts!
It wasn’t until the children came along that we got a small TV. After about 8 years I got a 3/4 size acoustic guitar for Evelyn as she seemed to be showing an interest.
All the time this was going on I was developing hypothyroidism which fucked my brain and body up again. (The doctor said it’s an auto-immune response where the body attacks itself – nice!) It wasn’t until five years after diagnosis that I had the wherewithal to start documenting the Crawling Chaos work and times, and only then because I was forced into it as a response to the lies on the web.
So the self-destructive tendencies I have had since I was 17 finally played out! The irony of the triumph of mind over matter is not lost on me! The Buddhism of Nichiren that I started a few years back has helped quite a bit in this realisation. Viv had a recent timely comment on Paul’s new blog that I found refreshing and follows the same theme. Realise the important bits and everything else CAN fit in around them.