Shit Types

 Posted by on July 8, 2008  Add comments
Jul 082008
 

Last updated on October 10th, 2016

After the recent evacuative pleasure I had after eating several serious amounts of short-grain brown rice, I was reminded of something I saved to my hard drive a while ago that I got from the web.

So I  thought I’d share the anally comic missive below with everyone.  I don’t claim it’s a work of genius but can seriously relate to some of the descriptions.

@AmazonYou have to be in the right frame of mind, of course.

And for more in this vein, check out Derek and Clive.

Ghost Shit:The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there’s nothing in the bowl.
Clean Shit:The kind where you shit it out, see it in the bowl, but there’s nothing on the toilet paper.
Wet Shit:The kind where you wipe your arse 50 times and it still feels un-wiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your arse and your underwear so you don’t ruin them with skid marks.
Second Wave Shit:It happens when your done shitting, and you have pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to shit some more.
Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Shit:The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you almost have a stroke.
Richard Simmons Shit:You shit so much you lose 30 pounds.
Lincoln Log Shit:The kind of poop that is so huge, you’re afraid to flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
Corn Shit:Self Explanatory!
Gee, I Wish I Could Shit, Shit:It’s the kind where you want to shit real badly, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.
Spinal Tap Shit:That’s where it hurts so bad coming out, you’d swear it was leaving you sideways.
Wet Cheeks Shit (The Power Dump):The kind that comes out of your rectum so fast, your arse cheeks get splashed with water.
Liquid Shit:The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your arse and splatters all over the toilet, and at the same time chronically burns your tender poop chute.
Mexican Food Shit:It smells so bad the room is condemned.
The Girlie Shit:The people that think their shit doesn’t stink..
Fisherman’s Bobber Shit:That’s the kind where you’re in the public toilet, and there are two people waiting for your stall. You shit and flush two times, but several golf ball-sized poops are still floating on the water..
The Van Gogh Shit:That’s where after you shit, you are shocked to see all the different colours in your poop, and try to figure out what you ate to do it again.
The Show-and-Tell Shit:You’re so impressed with your own poop, you leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too
The Wipers Nightmare Shit:That’s the kind that breaks off too soon, so half falls in to the bowl and half stays hanging.
Ambush Shit:That’s when you’re in public and you think you have to fart, but you get a sneak attack squirt instead.
Paralyzing Shit:When you’re sitting shitting so long your legs fall asleep.
“He Just Shitted”, Shit:When you get done shitting, you put your shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red pressure circles on the back of your legs for all to see.
The “What Crawled Up Your Arse & Died?” Shit:Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don’t warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.
The Snake Charmer Shit:A long skinny poop which has managed to coil itself into a frightening position – usually harmless.
The Ritual Shit:This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.
The Ranger Shit:A poop which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
The Premeditated Shit:Laxative induced. Doesn’t count.
The Porridge Shit:The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You have two choices: 1) Flush and keep going. 2) Risk it piling up to your crack while you sit there helpless.
The Pebbles-From-Heaven Shit:An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from God when you cannot shit.
The Peek-A-Boo Shit:Now you see it, now you don’t! This poop is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control.
The Mood Enhancer Shit:This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.
The “I Think I’m A Bunny” Shit:When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
The “I’m Going To Chew My Food Better” Shit: When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of your poop chute on the way out in the morning.
The Honeymoon’s Over Shit:This is any shit created in the presence of another person.
The Groaner Shit:A poop so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
The Energizer (or Duracell) Shit:“Still Going!”
The Crowd Pleaser Shit:This poop is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.
The Cliff-hanger Shit:Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe now it’s going to smear all over the place.
The Back-To-Nature Shit:This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car. Beware of nettle wipes.
The Aftershock Shit:This shit has an odour so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.
The Terminator Shit:You shit so hard you fall off the toilet.
T2 Shit:More extreme then The Terminator, you require some medical assistance to restart your heart. Clear!
The Cowboy Shit:You’ve got to shit so bad that you proceed to buck and holler until finally the shit’s been tamed.
The Runner’s Shit:Experienced by long distance runners who don’t want to stop so they shit in their shorts. (inspired by Jeff Reigal of Bad Axe, MI)
Poopzophrenia Shit:Fear of shitting, can be fatal!
The Pool Shit:Usually performed by younger children. It’s too much fun in the pool so why get out? Makes a great floating toy afterwards!
Painter’s Shit:You’re up on the scaffolding and it takes to long to get down so you just cramp it and wait.
Lost Shit:That’s when there’s a shit in the urinal.
The Raft Shit:The type to do on a German Toilet (see here and here)

  4 Responses to “Shit Types”

  1. Speaking of all things shitty. Ireland in 2012

    By the by The Taoiseach and the Tánaiste are the Prime Minister and his deputy.

    The Taoiseach and the Tánaiste

    With apologies to Lewis Carroll a man who understood hypocrisy so much better than I.

    Ireland was shining like a lord,

    shining with all its might:

    It did it’s very best to make

    the prospects smooth and bright —

    and this was odd, because you see

    inIreland, things were not quite right.

     

    The banks lost all the money,

    but were not the only one —

    who had no business being there–

    after the day was done —

    ‘It’s very rude of you.’ they said,

    ‘To come and spoil our fun!’

     

    ‘No faults are ours’ they did declare,

    the markets, and others too–

    must come and take a share.

    Who guarded us with tissue rules–

    that left this cupboard bare:

    We cannot fail it is beyond the pale —

    and utterly unfair.

     

    The Taoiseach and the Tánaiste

    were walking close at hand:

    They wept like anything to see–

    all banks were made of sand.

    ‘If only we had a clearer way,’

    They said, ‘it really would be grand.’

     

    ‘If seven maids with seven mops

    swept money aside for a year.

    Do you suppose,’ the Taoiseach said,

    ‘that they could get us clear?’

    ‘l doubt it,’ said Tánaiste,

    And shed a bitter tear.

     

    ‘O People, come and walk with us!

    the Taoiseach did beseech.

    ‘A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,

    For we must fill the breach:

    We cannot do much about such,

    But take all within our reach.’

     

    The elder People listened,

    but never a word they said:

    The elder people winked their eye,

    for they had already been bled–

    meaning to say they did not choose

    To believe a word they said.

     

    Out came the folk all hurried up.

    All eager for the treat:

    Their coats were brushed, their faces washed,

    Their shoes were clean and neat —

    And this was odd, because, you know,

    They hardly missed a beat.

     

    More people followed all in trim,

    All calling for the law.

    And thick and fast they came at last,

    then more, and more, and more —

    All hoping that the bland might have a plan,

    To get them safe to shore.

     

    The Taoiseach and the Tánaiste,

    Walked on a mile or so,

    And then they rested on a rock

    Conveniently low:

    And all the people stood around

    And waited for the blow.

     

    ‘The time has come,’ the Taoiseach said,

    ‘To talk of many things:

    Of booze — and chips — and stealing hax —

    Of cabbages — and things —

    And why you must pay more tax —

    And the wealthy keep their rings.’

     

    ‘But wait a bit,’ the people cried,

    ‘Before we have our chat;

    For some of us are out of wealth,

    And all of us are sat!’

    ‘No hurry!’ said the Taoiseach.

    They thanked him much for that.

     

    ‘A loan of bread,’ the Taoiseach said,

    ‘Is what we chiefly need:

    Justice and fairness put aside

    that’s very good indeed.

    Now, if you’re ready, people dear,

    You can all begin to bleed.’

     

    ‘But not us!’ the people cried,

    Your promises were untrue.

    ‘After such trust, that would be

    A dismal thing to do!’

    ‘The plan is not mine,’ the Taoiseach said,

    ‘Do you not admire my view?’

     

    ‘It was so kind of you to come!

    And you are all so very nice!’

    The Tánaiste said nothing but

    ‘It’s not us who set so high a price.

    ‘I wish you people were not quite so deaf-

    I’ve had to tell you twice!’

     

    ‘It seems a shame,’ the Taoiseach said,

    ‘To play them such a trick.

    After we’ve brought them out so far,

    And made them vote so slick!’

    The Tánaiste said nothing but

    ‘The people are ready, to take another kick.

     

    ‘I weep for you,’ the Taoiseach said:

    ‘I deeply sympathize.’

    With sobs and tears he sorted out–

    assets to be sold so cheap, among so many cries.

    Holding his pocket-handkerchief

    Before his streaming eyes.

     

    ‘O people,’ said the Taoiseach,

    ‘You’ve had such party fun!

    Shall we be trotting home again?’

    But answer came there none —

    And this was scarcely odd, because

    They’d ruined every one.

  2. I have laughed out so loud… AHHAHA

    And it was funnier cause I took a Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Shit 5 minutes before searching this!

     

  3. I will Have to say. While reading this, I do not think I have laughed that hard in a long time. I laughed so hard that I had to run to the toilet and drop off the kids. Thank you so much for the laughs. It is nice to see some good clean humor sometimse! LMAO!!!!!

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